It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

I always suspected my father was a narcissist but I could never find any good examples that would validate my concerns. After reading the first part of this book, every story or example was met with an aha! moment.My father was a classic love bomber. As a young man, he lured women into relationships with charm, status and intentionally impregnating two women (control), one who happened to be my mother. As the relationships went on, the charming mask came off and the dehumanizing, cruel, gaslighting behaviors appeared. He wouldn’t visit my mother in the hospital one time when she was sick nor would he pick up her medication afterwards. You go get your own drugs! He belittled, exploded, ranted and then gave her the silent treatment for weeks.Fast forward 25 years and my mom passed away. She left this world depressed, miserable and with no self-esteem. I resented her for not leaving my father and allowing her daughter to witness and experience the chaos. I always wondered why she didn’t leave and she never talked about it. This book gave me clarity- enough breadcrumbs to stay but ultimately, she was scared. He was the breadwinner and provided the breadcrumbs like financial security, a nice house and vacations, etc.Nine months later, he married another woman. This time, the love bombing was about a nice big retirement home, fancy furniture, cars, trips, jewelry, his charm and money. The 3rd wife quit her job because it was too inconvenient for dad. Didn’t like her traveling and being away. He made her give away two dogs because he didn’t want dog hair in the new home. After my mom died, her senior cat was callously dumped at a high kill shelter without telling me. 3rd wife had cancer and he couldn’t bother driving 2 hours for her chemo. Instead, he called up her sister- “she’s your problem now.”My children were cut off from any sort of acknowledgment. No more birthday cards and gifts for special occasions/holidays because one year I was ungrateful and didn’t thank him correctly. My posts were routinely mocked on FB so I finally had to block him. As I pushed back and set up boundaries, I was labeled “challenging” and someone with “emotional problems.” I finally cut off the toxic relationship.I could go on with thousands of examples but all the characteristic traits and behaviors described in this book were spot on and gave me so much validation and clarity. I’m an adult child of a narcissistic father so the next step is to read the second half of the book and figure out how to heal myself.

I highly recommend this book for anyone who feels exhausted and powerless in the face of narcissistic manipulation. "It's Not You" has deepened my understanding of decades of my older sister's on-and-off cruelty, arrogance, silent treatments and distain for those she views as "lesser."I thought that I needed to keep surrendering and just accept my role as her easy target. I've lashed out in self-defense sometimes, but my "irrefutable proof" of her gaslighting never worked. Now I see how I've just been adding fuel to the fire, setting myself up for more frustration and pain.This book has prepared me to respond in ways that are self-affirming and honorable. I know I have a rocky uphill climb ahead to reclaim my power and sanity in this relationship, but I have the tools I need to more effectively respond to old challenges. No more engaging in nit-picking, blame games, or battles. No more justifications or allowing other people's chaos to crush me. We're ultimately responsible for our own happiness, which needn't come at anyone else's expense.Having finally prioritized my needs with a clear conscience, I've surprisingly discovered that I have greater empathy now for narcissists' deep insecurity and mental turmoil. Theirs is not an easy lifestyle choice. That said, I vow to NEVER let myself get sucked into the vortex again. When I stumble (and I will!) I will pick myself up with renewed determination and give myself a high-five for choosing to go forward with the best of intentions.Thank you Dr. Ramani for setting me on a new path of insight and healing. The truly hard work lies ahead, but I feel increasingly liberated from old habits, confident and strong enough to respond in healthier ways to the endless rage. I see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. When it turns out to be another on-coming train, I'll step aside, let it pass and resume my journey.

This book is invaluable if you are in, or were in, a relationship with a narcissitic parent or partner and, in the words of the Canadian folk duo Ian & Sylvia, “end up tearing your life apart to save the pieces of your broken heart.” But Durvasula knows that the narcissist has broken much more than your heart. Her truth-telling about the multi-layered damage is an important inventory that will enable some who have been abused by narcissists to feel “seen” (that popular but tired cliche), perhaps for the first time.This recognition is a critical component of healing but Durvasula does us a great favor by not over-selling that by suggesting that it will deliver the abused to a pre-narcissist state of wholeness. It will not. That is something of a relief for people who are pushing healing as a kind of modern-day snake oil. Her point throughout the book is that some real damage has been done.There is one glaring flaw in the book. In the section on “radical acceptance,” Durvasula assumes that most readers who have been abused by narcissists either chose to remain in the relationship - but with eyes wide open A or chose to leave. They should be so lucky. She glosses over the narcissist’s great finale, the “narcissistic discard,” in which the partner is dispatched with coldness and cruelty, consigned to a state of non-existence that suits the narcissist’s needs but devastates the partner, sometimes for decades. Those who have been subject to this process most need the support that Durvasula could offer and yet come away feeling that this part of the experience - and the damage - has scarcely been seen at all.